Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
