She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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