I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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