I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
