I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
