i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
