Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
