She just used a chaser for red wine.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
