Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just saw a hot homeless man
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
