She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
