Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
God, I missed his penis.
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