you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
