dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
