i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
