I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
