gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
