the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
