When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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