can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
