You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
