You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
