Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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