I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Randomize
