I'm going to jail i love you
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
