i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
