I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
