the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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