wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
