she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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