My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
