i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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