dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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