I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
