Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
