she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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