note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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