Cold hands, warm shart.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
