Yo dont text me then not text me
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
