I bet he comes in French.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
