You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
