Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
