You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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