So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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