Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
