Got a toothbrush?
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
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