Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
