your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
