if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
