why didn't you poke me back
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
