I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
