it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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