he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
