dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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